I'm tired of loosing

It's a months since the last time I'm blogging.
Hell, now my houskeeper will going back home. It still tommorow anyway, but I'm feelin' scared of loneliness. That soon began when she's gone. I'm tired of loosing everyone around me. I hate this feeling, I hate left all alone by myself. The sadness I couldn't bear a cross. The truth that I couldn't avoid.
I don't want to live alone, I hate loneliness even sometimes I need it. But not like this, not this way.
Please don't live me this way!!!!!!!!!!!!!
don't go.

everything that I can't solve.

Hari pertama balik ke sekolah.
After a months. yeah, masih ada sisa laskar pajang liburan.
yang so pasti so hard to get rid of.
I'm feeling lonely. and stuck on it. Sekarang udah di bahasa, which was my first huge step on my own life. but I'm still feeling not ok. somethings wrong and not meant to be. It just not right. could I pass it ?
gw pengen ke bandung lagi.
yes, I'm running from this. I'm not solve this yet.
I'm feeling friendless. I have to be strong. And I have to be sure, I'm special.
yes, I'm special.

I can't sleep, I missed my mom

Now I'm in Bandung. Spending time with my sis and doing some extra class let's just say it tutoring with my sis friend, named Adam. What the heck, I've learn at this wonderful holiday? it's how to draw better. Yeah, such a nice and fantastic student am I, right?? 

At the longest holiday, I AM STUDYING?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! f*ck.

The other reason I'm going here-Bandung, beside everything that I've told you. It's about to spend time outside that crap house and try to spend days without mom. HOw it feels, you know.??

I thought it'll be different than school days and it'll be fun, bla..bla..bla.. . In fact, it's not. Yeah, couple of days felt fine. But after that, just homesick. And I finally realize that home it's not really THAT HOUSE. But home, or what makes your heart, dying to go home it's someone there. Someone that makes you really felt like home and comfy. And for me it's my mom. I really missed her, On the first day, she cry-hardly crying. I'm just saying everything just fine, don't worry, and I'll be back soon mom. I don't really want to cry, or else. And now, I REALLY WANT TO BE IN MY HOME, WITH MY MOM, MY HOUSE KEEPER. I missed them. And I know what they've been trough without me. Actually what my mom has been trough. It must be hurt-a lot. You know, to know how pussy your husband is, how miserable he is, and what he has done to your life. It's not easy, extremely difficult. 

Mom, I missed you.

And about my old man. He absolutely a cowards. A little bit-extremely a bit nice. Because of the money he gave me to shopping in mango. What the hell $)(*&^%$.

He didn't gave me money for eating while in bandung, but he gave me money to shopping. 

I absolutely full filled by that, moron.

gosh, have no idea what should I do.???

I don't have a lot of time by now. Only a tiny two weeks, before my vacation ended. But it feels like I'm doing nothing for this whole two weeks back there.

Mom, helped me!!!

I missed you, see you on tuesday :)

I'l be back soon, I promise you that..

etnis itu adalah tionghoa

Petikan dalam buku harian Soe Hok Gie, "Mereka katakan bahwa orang Tionghoa itu semua materialis, pengkhianat, dan sebagainya". Jujur saja sebagai kaum pribumi yang pernah punya dendam dengan kaum etnis tionghoa. cukup kaget bacanya. ngga percaya ternyata mereka sadar juga dengan keberadaan mereka yang kadang masih kurang diterima.
Aku pernah benci etnis tionghoa, jujur. semua permasalahanku berpusat pada etnis tionghoa yang bertingkah laku seperti yang disebutkan alm. Soe Hok Gie diatas, meiling dan keluarga biadabnya yang merebut ayahku, dan budeku, orang pintar yang , menghasilkan bibit anak-anak pintar (anak-anaknya sendiri) tapi sangat bodoh dalam bertingkah laku, tak punya etika.
Mereka semua sumber dari permasalahanku sekarang. mereka semua yang memporak-porandakan situasiku sekarang. hal itu sangat berpengaruh pada rasa benciku pada etnis tionghoa. ayahku makin menjadi-jadi karena mereka, makin gila tingkah lakunya. seperti orang tak berpendidikan. ibuku yang menderita menghadapi suami bodoh seperti dia, kakakku yang tetap berprestasi dengan kondisi ayah yang tidak bisa diandalkan. sungguh membuat aku benci pada mereka. benci yang mendalam. aku benci dengan kebodohannya. benci dengan tingkahnya yang sok pintar dan wise dalam memecahkan masalah. inti masalahku pada etnis tionghoa adalah, mereka merebut ayahku dan menumpulkan hati, pikirannya. membuat aku sendirian dan tidak bisa berpegangan pada siapa-siapa.
tapi aku tumbuh diantara mereka, dari kecil aku bersekolah disekolah katolik. kaumku, pribumi menjadi minoritas. aku benci menjadi yang berbeda diantara mereka, disamping itu, aku bangga sebagai orang indonesia. menurutku, mengingat mereka yang menumpang pada negaraku ini jadi tentu aku lebih berwenang daripada mereka. yah, kebencianku cukup mendarah daging.
tapi setelah aku membaca buku harian Soe Hok Gie, (belum selesai juga)
"Tapi aku juga menunjukkan bahwa tidak semua begitu dan dapat berubah. Kepribadian bangsa bagiku adalah suatu proses yang lama dalam situasi tertentu, tapi dalam situasi lain itu dapat berubah"
dan saat itu aku mulai mengingat, memang jika dilihat secara individu, mereka berbeda. tidak semua picik seperti my fams destroyer diatas. aku menemukan teman-teman tionghoa yang juga baik. keluarga mereka juga baik. seperti kelurga ella, mereka sangat ramah dan santun, suka berbagi dan tidak pelit. sangat berbeda dengan cap-cap yang diberikan pada kaum tionghoa bukan. ? aku mencoba untuk bersatu, tanpa perpecahan. bahwa aku menghargai adanya mereka. walau kadang aku merasa something wrong with them, atau they are not belong here, and back to your civilization. aku tidak keberatan menghargai mereka. karena aku malah menganggumi Soe hok Gie yang ngga lain adalah orang kaum tionghoa juga. dia adalah role model yang tepat untuk orang yang mau berpikir kritis dan keras. cara berpikirnya luas, dan tentu tidak rasisme. sekrang baru itu penangkapanku tentang dia. kita lihat selanjutnya, saat halaman halaman itu kulanjutkan kembali.

when it'll end ?

Selesai ulum, finally rabu kmaren.

Well, hari terakhir itu emang sedikit menyebalkan dengan ke-blank-kian otak gw ngerjain esaai nomer satu. Everything just a mess, but not for this huge tragedy.. dimana kita dikumpulin suster kepala yayasan di aula, dan guru-guru itu diperlakukan kaya anak TK ama suster. hahaha~

there's always other way to laugh. hahahahahaha... and surprisingly, kita dipulangkan, yang mana itu baru aja jam 9. hmm, yummy. kita pulang dengan tenang, karena kalo ga tenang, kita bakal dicekokin sama waktu berjam2 di neraka bumi itu.

Dan dengan sedikit menunggu SMP, yang pulang jam 11.. hmm, satu jam bengong2 ga enak banget.

Rencana nonton kontan di luncurkan, hohohohohoho... akhirnya gw nonton ama ella, estafet. race witch mountain *atw apa gitu*, ama watchmen. sebenarnya kita udah kebelet bnaget nonton watchmen, tapi kita telat. dan yang pas cuman race witch mountain itu. akhirnya kita nonton. dan resultnyaa... lumayan! tuh film ga jelek2 amat ! hahaha.. seru malah..

sampe saat itu kita masih hepi hepi joy joy. udah bebas dari ujian tetek bengek, dipulangin suster jam 9, langsung nonton, dan filmnya bagus pula!

selesai itu, kita langsung nonton watchmen, yahh, waktu selang 15 menit lahh....

dan resultnya, ngbrit pulang ditengah-tengah film!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

tuh film, nightmare. ga ada alur ceritanya,.. jujur gw bahkan ga ngerti apa maksudnya.

sumpah, meaningless banget. cuman sadis doang, yakkk, dan kita pulang dengan perasaan kesel dan bertanya-tanya... APAAN YANG TADI GW TONTON ? WAYANG ORANG ATOW FILM HOLLYWOOD? ..

yah2, it doesn't mean "the worst ever". tapi yahhh. ga jauh dari situlahh... mungkin itu film menjelaskan tentang superhero jadul yang udah kaga kepake lagi. dan blablablaa bliblibliii...

tapi please, ada alurnya.. hehe.. atau taste film gw perlu di uji. ? have no idea.

malemnya, kepentok lagi di dvd. dan gw nonton bride wars. pencerahan!! hehe..

dan besok sekolah gw yang sangat menyenangkan itu, mengadakan ujian menyanyi. yahh.

pening pala gw. udah selesai semesteran dengan enaknya ngelanjutin materi. bikin aturan sendiri. which is, ga uenakkk banget. cuapeee....

tetepp belajarrrrrrr, kaya seblom ulum. otak gw udah mau mojrot. ga tahann, butuh refreshing TINGKAT TINGGI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

segitu dulu. mau belajarr geo, besok susulan. argh~

sunday afternoon's unforgetable lunch

Well, God thank you. for a beautiful Sundays. I'm sure you gave me these day to make me smile, finally. laughing truly from my heart, I'm happy. And I want to say thanks for that :D
God, You're like a surprise box. And all of us... you'll never know what you'll got, 'till you finally opened it, 'till the right time has come. And now, I'm happy for that surprising memories at the box that God just delivered me.

Today I just spend it with my old friends and I'm very happy. hhe.
Frankly, there's a boy I've met at Junior High, and he just make me laughing and won't stop. :D today, I'm hang out with Titi, Agatha, Seto, Gozali, Marce, and absolutely me!
First of all, we spend first round with chat. how are you bla, bla, bla...
and soon after that, we lomo our self in a studio.. (take pictures with lomo) haha~
with all crazy jokes and umm, pose.. which was take a longgg time to finally finish at the box takin' pics. And, we take the pics. pay all the bills with hundreds rupiahh *poor us* hehe :)

And after that we ate, at chowking. the food not really good tough. But with people that mean something to you, it just worth. We all happy, laugh, laugh, laugh.
And I'm home with the biggest smile ever.

My sis got to go back to Bandung, and it went smoothly. as usual. But now I hope she'll get someone out there, some one that equal with her. Someone that she like, comfort her, I do really hope that. I don't want her to be lonely. I want her to have someone that worth to have her and her love. good luck sis ! I'll help you, no matter what.

Have to go, got to reply someone-that-mean-to-you-'s wall in facebook. yey!
bye :)

self confidence crisis

This time, I feel like the biggest looser on earth. like a talent-less girl, who try to show the world that she was better in some way. Trying so hard, till there's an opportunity to show it, finally. But, foolishly just throw it away. I try to do my best, but when the final time was coming. I can't present my damn best show. it was very difficult, hurt and sad. I can't even find the right word to describe my feeling. I'm the biggest disappointments of all.
I can't even make my mom and my sis proud of me, only a simple fucking thing, such as being a good daughter, a good sis for her, I can't even take it.
Maybe struggling with your own heart it's not the way to solve your problems. But I don't know, my life just all falling apart. Everything just the worst of all. I'm dissapointing my teacher, friends, and all people around me. shit.I'm feeling very low, this is the lowest point of all, I can't take it anymore. I'm tired of feeling bad. I'm tired become the looser. But no matter how hard I take, I never satisfied. I'm tired, of everything that I can't handle. I just want to go far away, and never come back. I'm a useless girl.

Am I that bad? why I always think that people underestimated me, but GOD, why don't You give me a chance to show it, to show the talent that You gave me. which were hiding, in some corner of my brain.
Where are you ? I'm feeling lonely, confuse, just the worst.
Why I'm feeling empty. What I should do ? Instead being such a stupid-useless-girl.
Why you let everyone underestimated me? Why you give such a space for my brain to think, that You never here for me, why you make me farther away from You. I have no other daddy, to take care of me. Don't leave me alone, just stay with me, and let me feel it.

that's all.

when things getting suck.

well, just got home. hmm, about 2 hours ago actually. after a terrible school party. and all exhausting afternoon. and just remember all of the exams tomorrow, remember all things to do this week. it's a crap! i have to be smiley hattya this week ! smile for all sickness in this life. nice.
I just watch departures again . different episode, definitely. and it's an emotional episode. when their life and all of their friends back at Canada it's getting further and further, their relationship just fall apart (justin's) . and it's normal. that's the best part of this tv show, because it's normal. it's a common people stuff. even my mom watch it, instead of she don't really understand what they talking about, and she's half sleeping. whatever. she watch it with me, and sometimes she laugh.
the point is, you can enjoy this tv show, no matter how old are you, what do you do. just watch it.
about my high school. i'm trying to be a better student. a better daughter for my mom. a complete and better person. my score. haha :D there you go . sometimes good sometimes, SUCK.
let's change the subject.
about my fams. total crap. my dad, he just visited my sis at Bandung. well, he's from Jakarta and choosing Bandung and visited his daughter there, instead of his OTHER daughter at Jakarta.
frankly, I'm jealous. it was an awful thing! he visit her for almost 3 times or so. and me ? yeah. for this whole 3 years. we've never met.
and it just erode my love for him. it's step by step disappear. that's it.

I'm tired, and TRYING SO HARD to be cheerful.

au revoir.

it's not about boredom

I'm not gonna' tell you how bored I am. well, i do but it's not the main things.
today, it's start just like any other days. i have no idea what the differences. during the break, still the same. it just like the other depressing days. Until time to go home, I have to go to my remedial class to do my science remedial. Well, I'm tired and the weather wasn't buttressed. After the remedial, I want to go to the theater class. But I prefer to go home and take a rest. And I met my friend, Grace. Her house it's not so far from mine. I the difference it's I'm going home with her. With publics transportation. It's not so important, i realize that. but I'm trying to make difference in my life, and I know. I just did it. I always said everything went so monotonously, each single day. And I make it different, just now.
And yesterday, I'm continuing the lesson at my afternoon class. Was it good ?
I have to passed my exams, for this whole weeks!
But there's some shocking event today. I realize, that one of my friend was smarter than I thought she was. And I'm ashame with my self. GOSH. It's quite disturb my mind.
But I have to work harder, if could.. and I would.. huehue.. :)

F I G H T !

total, BLANK !

CRAP ! freakin' tired!
what should I be? there's no one knows.
except GOD . yeah, I'm total tired ! with every expectation from all of the people,
They just can't accept me, the way I am !
mom, come on ! you've seen my result test, and you still force me ?
I'm stressed up ! you know? could you realize that ? crap!
Pleaseee, GOD .. Help me. what should I do ?
Give an answer. So, I won't hesitated my self . It's been long enough for me to wait.
what you want me to do ? I'll try my best ! and what the hell happen?
I just can't afford it anymore., And no one beside me !
I'm all alone ! And for a thousand more times, I like to say. I'm in the middle of nowhere !

What should I do ? I'm total confused !
What everyone said, it just total different with my heart !
gosh, I'm trying.. I'm questioning !!
And the answer it's still freakin' NO!!!!

I'm all alone, still looking for the answer!
I'm begging the answer, and what I got? NOTHING ~
I don't know what my next step !
I don't know who'll understand me.

And now, I think I'm a gloomy girl.
full with sadness and hesitation ! total weird and brainless.
CRAP! I don't want to be like that!
I want to be a better person. But I don't where to start!!!
total blank ! and absolutely need a help.

disudut pikiran anak remaja

Lelah, ya. Aku lelah.
Didalam sudut pikiranku segala pemaparan masa depan dipelupuk mata,
Menghadapi hari demi hari, tanpa kepuasan.
Selalu ada saja yang tidak tepat, mungkin tepat.
Tapi tidak memuaskan. Memalukan!
Ya, memalukan. Melakukan sesuatu yang sebenarnya tidak dapat kulakukan.
Apa yang kulakukan hari ini ?
Mencoba, mengobok-obok perasaanku sendiri. dengan bertanya, "Ingin jadi apa sih, kau ini ?"
Sok berjuang keras, padahal tak sedikitpun kau resapi ke hati.
Ya, itu aku. Tak ada kata lagi yang dapat menggambarkan keseharianku saat ini.
Hanya berharap hari esok yang lebih baik.
Hanya "terpaksa" menatap pagi, memulai hari. Tapi, tanpa sepenuh hati.
"Aku tidak cocok disini " sudah berapa kali aku menyeruakkannya!
tak ada yang perduli, tak ada yang menggubris, lelah aku.
Menapak kedepan disisi jalan yang salah, tak bisa kembali.
Tak ada jalan kembali, mau tak mau, harus terus menapak dan menunggu hingga sisi jalan itu berkahir.
akankah aku sesendu ini ? sampai kapan aku harus sesendu ini ?
hingga jalan yang rasanya tak berujung ini, akhirnya menemukan ujung?
dan pada akhirnya, masaku di sisi jalan ini, berakhir..
Aku tak tahu,

ahh,
disudut pikiran anak remaja, dalam usiaku...
bukan ini yang kuimpikan.

Jealousy

hmm, JEALOUSY .
Is that the right words for this kind of a feelings. ? I have no idea.
Just when I saw the things around them, it's too beautiful to be mine.
My pity, dark, bored, and full of sadness life. I don't have that huge happy family, I don't have that SMILE at school, and I feel that I don't have that much friend at school, I'm not that "brainy" student or an over achiever. Isn't that so sad ? to be gloomy like me? Well maybe I don't see the sunny part of my life. Because the last time I have it, it was so long time ago. Yesterday at mt niece house, was a beautiful memories. But I don't know.. Everything just so, depressing. I am one of them. One, of the "Indonesian" fellas. But we are a minority around here, but why.. we are so much differences.
It's kind like a feeling that, full of a question. Why...why..why..
Like, WHY I don't have a huge happy family?
WHY my life so gloomy ?
WHY I'm not that happy ?
WHY I'm not that brainy ?
WHY I don't have skill ?
WHY I disappointing my mama ?

Where is the answer ?

Gosh! jealousy.. It's a sin right ?
Now, I have a HUGE SIN at my heart, want something that not belong to me or maybe not fit for me.
This feeling so disturbing, it don't means I wanna take that from them. NO that's not it.
It's not that geek JEALOUSY .
Just feel so poor right now.
And right now, I just wanna fade away...