total, BLANK !

CRAP ! freakin' tired!
what should I be? there's no one knows.
except GOD . yeah, I'm total tired ! with every expectation from all of the people,
They just can't accept me, the way I am !
mom, come on ! you've seen my result test, and you still force me ?
I'm stressed up ! you know? could you realize that ? crap!
Pleaseee, GOD .. Help me. what should I do ?
Give an answer. So, I won't hesitated my self . It's been long enough for me to wait.
what you want me to do ? I'll try my best ! and what the hell happen?
I just can't afford it anymore., And no one beside me !
I'm all alone ! And for a thousand more times, I like to say. I'm in the middle of nowhere !

What should I do ? I'm total confused !
What everyone said, it just total different with my heart !
gosh, I'm trying.. I'm questioning !!
And the answer it's still freakin' NO!!!!

I'm all alone, still looking for the answer!
I'm begging the answer, and what I got? NOTHING ~
I don't know what my next step !
I don't know who'll understand me.

And now, I think I'm a gloomy girl.
full with sadness and hesitation ! total weird and brainless.
CRAP! I don't want to be like that!
I want to be a better person. But I don't where to start!!!
total blank ! and absolutely need a help.

disudut pikiran anak remaja

Lelah, ya. Aku lelah.
Didalam sudut pikiranku segala pemaparan masa depan dipelupuk mata,
Menghadapi hari demi hari, tanpa kepuasan.
Selalu ada saja yang tidak tepat, mungkin tepat.
Tapi tidak memuaskan. Memalukan!
Ya, memalukan. Melakukan sesuatu yang sebenarnya tidak dapat kulakukan.
Apa yang kulakukan hari ini ?
Mencoba, mengobok-obok perasaanku sendiri. dengan bertanya, "Ingin jadi apa sih, kau ini ?"
Sok berjuang keras, padahal tak sedikitpun kau resapi ke hati.
Ya, itu aku. Tak ada kata lagi yang dapat menggambarkan keseharianku saat ini.
Hanya berharap hari esok yang lebih baik.
Hanya "terpaksa" menatap pagi, memulai hari. Tapi, tanpa sepenuh hati.
"Aku tidak cocok disini " sudah berapa kali aku menyeruakkannya!
tak ada yang perduli, tak ada yang menggubris, lelah aku.
Menapak kedepan disisi jalan yang salah, tak bisa kembali.
Tak ada jalan kembali, mau tak mau, harus terus menapak dan menunggu hingga sisi jalan itu berkahir.
akankah aku sesendu ini ? sampai kapan aku harus sesendu ini ?
hingga jalan yang rasanya tak berujung ini, akhirnya menemukan ujung?
dan pada akhirnya, masaku di sisi jalan ini, berakhir..
Aku tak tahu,

ahh,
disudut pikiran anak remaja, dalam usiaku...
bukan ini yang kuimpikan.

Jealousy

hmm, JEALOUSY .
Is that the right words for this kind of a feelings. ? I have no idea.
Just when I saw the things around them, it's too beautiful to be mine.
My pity, dark, bored, and full of sadness life. I don't have that huge happy family, I don't have that SMILE at school, and I feel that I don't have that much friend at school, I'm not that "brainy" student or an over achiever. Isn't that so sad ? to be gloomy like me? Well maybe I don't see the sunny part of my life. Because the last time I have it, it was so long time ago. Yesterday at mt niece house, was a beautiful memories. But I don't know.. Everything just so, depressing. I am one of them. One, of the "Indonesian" fellas. But we are a minority around here, but why.. we are so much differences.
It's kind like a feeling that, full of a question. Why...why..why..
Like, WHY I don't have a huge happy family?
WHY my life so gloomy ?
WHY I'm not that happy ?
WHY I'm not that brainy ?
WHY I don't have skill ?
WHY I disappointing my mama ?

Where is the answer ?

Gosh! jealousy.. It's a sin right ?
Now, I have a HUGE SIN at my heart, want something that not belong to me or maybe not fit for me.
This feeling so disturbing, it don't means I wanna take that from them. NO that's not it.
It's not that geek JEALOUSY .
Just feel so poor right now.
And right now, I just wanna fade away...