sunday afternoon's unforgetable lunch

Well, God thank you. for a beautiful Sundays. I'm sure you gave me these day to make me smile, finally. laughing truly from my heart, I'm happy. And I want to say thanks for that :D
God, You're like a surprise box. And all of us... you'll never know what you'll got, 'till you finally opened it, 'till the right time has come. And now, I'm happy for that surprising memories at the box that God just delivered me.

Today I just spend it with my old friends and I'm very happy. hhe.
Frankly, there's a boy I've met at Junior High, and he just make me laughing and won't stop. :D today, I'm hang out with Titi, Agatha, Seto, Gozali, Marce, and absolutely me!
First of all, we spend first round with chat. how are you bla, bla, bla...
and soon after that, we lomo our self in a studio.. (take pictures with lomo) haha~
with all crazy jokes and umm, pose.. which was take a longgg time to finally finish at the box takin' pics. And, we take the pics. pay all the bills with hundreds rupiahh *poor us* hehe :)

And after that we ate, at chowking. the food not really good tough. But with people that mean something to you, it just worth. We all happy, laugh, laugh, laugh.
And I'm home with the biggest smile ever.

My sis got to go back to Bandung, and it went smoothly. as usual. But now I hope she'll get someone out there, some one that equal with her. Someone that she like, comfort her, I do really hope that. I don't want her to be lonely. I want her to have someone that worth to have her and her love. good luck sis ! I'll help you, no matter what.

Have to go, got to reply someone-that-mean-to-you-'s wall in facebook. yey!
bye :)

self confidence crisis

This time, I feel like the biggest looser on earth. like a talent-less girl, who try to show the world that she was better in some way. Trying so hard, till there's an opportunity to show it, finally. But, foolishly just throw it away. I try to do my best, but when the final time was coming. I can't present my damn best show. it was very difficult, hurt and sad. I can't even find the right word to describe my feeling. I'm the biggest disappointments of all.
I can't even make my mom and my sis proud of me, only a simple fucking thing, such as being a good daughter, a good sis for her, I can't even take it.
Maybe struggling with your own heart it's not the way to solve your problems. But I don't know, my life just all falling apart. Everything just the worst of all. I'm dissapointing my teacher, friends, and all people around me. shit.I'm feeling very low, this is the lowest point of all, I can't take it anymore. I'm tired of feeling bad. I'm tired become the looser. But no matter how hard I take, I never satisfied. I'm tired, of everything that I can't handle. I just want to go far away, and never come back. I'm a useless girl.

Am I that bad? why I always think that people underestimated me, but GOD, why don't You give me a chance to show it, to show the talent that You gave me. which were hiding, in some corner of my brain.
Where are you ? I'm feeling lonely, confuse, just the worst.
Why I'm feeling empty. What I should do ? Instead being such a stupid-useless-girl.
Why you let everyone underestimated me? Why you give such a space for my brain to think, that You never here for me, why you make me farther away from You. I have no other daddy, to take care of me. Don't leave me alone, just stay with me, and let me feel it.

that's all.

when things getting suck.

well, just got home. hmm, about 2 hours ago actually. after a terrible school party. and all exhausting afternoon. and just remember all of the exams tomorrow, remember all things to do this week. it's a crap! i have to be smiley hattya this week ! smile for all sickness in this life. nice.
I just watch departures again . different episode, definitely. and it's an emotional episode. when their life and all of their friends back at Canada it's getting further and further, their relationship just fall apart (justin's) . and it's normal. that's the best part of this tv show, because it's normal. it's a common people stuff. even my mom watch it, instead of she don't really understand what they talking about, and she's half sleeping. whatever. she watch it with me, and sometimes she laugh.
the point is, you can enjoy this tv show, no matter how old are you, what do you do. just watch it.
about my high school. i'm trying to be a better student. a better daughter for my mom. a complete and better person. my score. haha :D there you go . sometimes good sometimes, SUCK.
let's change the subject.
about my fams. total crap. my dad, he just visited my sis at Bandung. well, he's from Jakarta and choosing Bandung and visited his daughter there, instead of his OTHER daughter at Jakarta.
frankly, I'm jealous. it was an awful thing! he visit her for almost 3 times or so. and me ? yeah. for this whole 3 years. we've never met.
and it just erode my love for him. it's step by step disappear. that's it.

I'm tired, and TRYING SO HARD to be cheerful.

au revoir.

it's not about boredom

I'm not gonna' tell you how bored I am. well, i do but it's not the main things.
today, it's start just like any other days. i have no idea what the differences. during the break, still the same. it just like the other depressing days. Until time to go home, I have to go to my remedial class to do my science remedial. Well, I'm tired and the weather wasn't buttressed. After the remedial, I want to go to the theater class. But I prefer to go home and take a rest. And I met my friend, Grace. Her house it's not so far from mine. I the difference it's I'm going home with her. With publics transportation. It's not so important, i realize that. but I'm trying to make difference in my life, and I know. I just did it. I always said everything went so monotonously, each single day. And I make it different, just now.
And yesterday, I'm continuing the lesson at my afternoon class. Was it good ?
I have to passed my exams, for this whole weeks!
But there's some shocking event today. I realize, that one of my friend was smarter than I thought she was. And I'm ashame with my self. GOSH. It's quite disturb my mind.
But I have to work harder, if could.. and I would.. huehue.. :)

F I G H T !

total, BLANK !

CRAP ! freakin' tired!
what should I be? there's no one knows.
except GOD . yeah, I'm total tired ! with every expectation from all of the people,
They just can't accept me, the way I am !
mom, come on ! you've seen my result test, and you still force me ?
I'm stressed up ! you know? could you realize that ? crap!
Pleaseee, GOD .. Help me. what should I do ?
Give an answer. So, I won't hesitated my self . It's been long enough for me to wait.
what you want me to do ? I'll try my best ! and what the hell happen?
I just can't afford it anymore., And no one beside me !
I'm all alone ! And for a thousand more times, I like to say. I'm in the middle of nowhere !

What should I do ? I'm total confused !
What everyone said, it just total different with my heart !
gosh, I'm trying.. I'm questioning !!
And the answer it's still freakin' NO!!!!

I'm all alone, still looking for the answer!
I'm begging the answer, and what I got? NOTHING ~
I don't know what my next step !
I don't know who'll understand me.

And now, I think I'm a gloomy girl.
full with sadness and hesitation ! total weird and brainless.
CRAP! I don't want to be like that!
I want to be a better person. But I don't where to start!!!
total blank ! and absolutely need a help.

disudut pikiran anak remaja

Lelah, ya. Aku lelah.
Didalam sudut pikiranku segala pemaparan masa depan dipelupuk mata,
Menghadapi hari demi hari, tanpa kepuasan.
Selalu ada saja yang tidak tepat, mungkin tepat.
Tapi tidak memuaskan. Memalukan!
Ya, memalukan. Melakukan sesuatu yang sebenarnya tidak dapat kulakukan.
Apa yang kulakukan hari ini ?
Mencoba, mengobok-obok perasaanku sendiri. dengan bertanya, "Ingin jadi apa sih, kau ini ?"
Sok berjuang keras, padahal tak sedikitpun kau resapi ke hati.
Ya, itu aku. Tak ada kata lagi yang dapat menggambarkan keseharianku saat ini.
Hanya berharap hari esok yang lebih baik.
Hanya "terpaksa" menatap pagi, memulai hari. Tapi, tanpa sepenuh hati.
"Aku tidak cocok disini " sudah berapa kali aku menyeruakkannya!
tak ada yang perduli, tak ada yang menggubris, lelah aku.
Menapak kedepan disisi jalan yang salah, tak bisa kembali.
Tak ada jalan kembali, mau tak mau, harus terus menapak dan menunggu hingga sisi jalan itu berkahir.
akankah aku sesendu ini ? sampai kapan aku harus sesendu ini ?
hingga jalan yang rasanya tak berujung ini, akhirnya menemukan ujung?
dan pada akhirnya, masaku di sisi jalan ini, berakhir..
Aku tak tahu,

ahh,
disudut pikiran anak remaja, dalam usiaku...
bukan ini yang kuimpikan.

Jealousy

hmm, JEALOUSY .
Is that the right words for this kind of a feelings. ? I have no idea.
Just when I saw the things around them, it's too beautiful to be mine.
My pity, dark, bored, and full of sadness life. I don't have that huge happy family, I don't have that SMILE at school, and I feel that I don't have that much friend at school, I'm not that "brainy" student or an over achiever. Isn't that so sad ? to be gloomy like me? Well maybe I don't see the sunny part of my life. Because the last time I have it, it was so long time ago. Yesterday at mt niece house, was a beautiful memories. But I don't know.. Everything just so, depressing. I am one of them. One, of the "Indonesian" fellas. But we are a minority around here, but why.. we are so much differences.
It's kind like a feeling that, full of a question. Why...why..why..
Like, WHY I don't have a huge happy family?
WHY my life so gloomy ?
WHY I'm not that happy ?
WHY I'm not that brainy ?
WHY I don't have skill ?
WHY I disappointing my mama ?

Where is the answer ?

Gosh! jealousy.. It's a sin right ?
Now, I have a HUGE SIN at my heart, want something that not belong to me or maybe not fit for me.
This feeling so disturbing, it don't means I wanna take that from them. NO that's not it.
It's not that geek JEALOUSY .
Just feel so poor right now.
And right now, I just wanna fade away...